Comfort Audio Contego

This little device is my LIFESAVER. It's seriously the ONLY thing allowing me to work right now. It amplifies sound enough that I can hear in meetings, hear clients and hear other staff members. For some reason, all the staff I work with have super quiet voices. Must be the field or something. If you can only talk softly, become a social worker! The device is also helpful in talking with Evan. He doesn't have to repeat himself 100 times and I don't have to spend 350% of all my energy focusing on his face trying to lip read, hear, and cognitively fill in missing blanks. I need to use it more often with him though. I forget at home, we get used to our ways I guess. But at work, I won't walk into the building without it on, it's totally my crutch now. Love technology! I'm so, so, so hoping my new hearing aids will help me hear better with just aids and not additional devices.

Marriage

My ever patient husband feels bad we can't have normal conversations. So do I. He keeps saying my hearing loss doesn't bother him, that he expects it. Seriously, he is so patient and he will repeat something 10 times if needs be. I hate that he has to deal with it constantly. One day honey, we'll converse without effort, one day!

Isolation

Tonight I went to a family gathering with the kiddies. First of all, I'm crazy to go anywhere with two kids under two. What was I thinking? Pure chaos. When I wasn't chasing kids or calming tantrums, I was trying to join in on the adult conversation. Why do I try?!!! I would rejoin the group, try to figure out who was talking then stare hard at them trying to figure out what they were talking about. Someone else would comment and I would shift attention to the comment to try and fill in the conversation holes. Main speaker starts talking again, I shift back to her. Still trying to figure out the topic, let alone what she's saying about the topic. Someone notices I'm not getting it and try to help me. But they are talking while other conversations are happening and a bunch of kids are running around. I still have no idea what is being said. I just fake it and act like I'm understanding...... again!

It would have been easier to stay home. I certainly did not gain anything from going. Should I just avoid all gatherings? Of course not. But oh, I so want to!

Today I Wish

That I could hear YouTube.

GICH

Today I'm grateful I can hear the blinker signal in my van (aided of course).

"Signficantly Disabled"

I'm applying to Voc Rehab for financial assistance to get new hearing aids. They sent a letter to me today informing me I am elgible for services because I am "significantly disabled." That little phrase stood out to me above the entire rest of the letter, which is a whole page long.

Really, I've never thought of myself as disabled. How crazy is that? Hearing loss has been with me for as long as I can remember, it's just a part of who I am and how I am built. I've accomplished almost every single goal I've set out to acheive regardless of any hearing limitation. I moved away from home when I was 17 to start college. I went straight from high school to a university. Graduated with two degrees and managed to serve a mission too. I underwent all the training and testing to become a licensed therapist. After licensing and establishing myself in a career, I married and began my family. My life is AMAZING. I couldn't ask for any more.

But then I remember. The hurt feelings. The tears shed. The discouragement. The awkward conversations. The isolation. The anxiety of socializing. The fear in every new situation. The panic when I've missed some important piece of verbal information. The faking it. Being misunderstood. The phone, oh the phone, such dread. The "feel like an idiot" feeling. The meetings. The constant disclosure. The withdrawn behaviors. The anti-social feelings. The hatred of background noise. The worry of adjusting to voices. The concern that technology can't keep up with me. The friends lost. The conversations that could have been.

I guess I am significantly disabled. But I'm going to fight it til the day I die! I am NOT giving up. I am going to continue to live, to risk, to be vulnerable, to serve and to love (just with a whole lot of accomodations)! And bless Voc Rehab for accepting me as a client, I am grateful.

What I Know

I'll admit it. I don't know much about cochlear implants yet. Most of what I know has come from people who have been anti implants. My deaf ASL teacher at BYU would tell us horrible stories of babies being implanted by this terrible technology that they could never remove from their brains. Family members often mention that getting implanted means you can never have an MRI or CT scan, which of course is a problem if any health issues come up. And you hear about the people who regret having it done. Who feel it didn't work for them. And then there's the scary idea of having all your remaining hearing killed when you get implanted.

Thankfully the last two years, I've interacted with several people who LOVE their implants. None of them regret it. They speak of how well they can hear AFTER rehabilitation. They all recommend cochlear implants.

I just started doing some research finally. I found out there is a way to have an MRI. So much for that myth.