The Light at the End of the Anesthetic Tunnel

It's been 6 days since I've been well enough to sit and type.  I think today I've turned a corner.  Thank goodness for my smart phone that has kept me sane in my alert moments!

On AB's website I found the following :
"Cochlear implantations are routinely straightforward, typically taking two to four hours. Because the procedure is done under general anesthesia, you’ll spend additional time in the preparation and recovery areas.  You may or may not stay the night at the hospital, but you’ll be back to your normal routine within a few days."

I've spent a lot of time preparing for an implant.  It wasn't a decision I made lightly.  As part of that preparation, I read and read and read about the device, surgery, recovery and activation as well as the rehab needed.  I find it interesting that nothing I read prepared me for what I've felt the last 6 days.  For some reason, I got it in my head that recovery would be easier than my 2 csections were.  That's not true.  My husband and I both feel that my csections were way easier on my body than the implant surgery.

We attribute that to the general anesthesia that I had to be on for the implant surgery.  Since there were complications, I was on anesthesia longer than normal.  6 hours.  However, at the risk of sounding too negative, I must also say that I have been extremely blessed in the risk department.  My side effects are from the anesthetic, not from the surgery itself.  Sure my newly implanted titanium accessories have made my head heavy.  Sure I get headaches easier than normal (especially when I cry, which unfortunately has happened a lot lately) and I've got a little ear pain but really, it's not bad.  Hate the prescription pain med.  They won't let me have my ibuprofen.  So I've been halving the pain meds and only taking it a couple times a day.  But as I mentioned before, I haven't been dizzy and I have been able to taste.

What I have been experiencing is incredible weakness, negative sleep patterns, inability to concentrate and something else I can't put my finger on.  Something big that makes me feel so out of touch with reality and with myself.  Delusional isn't the right word.  Though I have thought a lot about people with Schizoprhenia the last week.  Loopy isn't quite the right word.  I don't know what it is.  But I don't like it.  And I don't like that I can't identify it.  And whatever "it" is, it's been made worse by my inability to sleep soundly.  I feel like when I sleep it's a hyperalert state of sleep and my brain is way active and gives me all kinds of awful dreams.  I feel awake when I sleep but when I actually wake up, I feel panicky.  Maybe "it" is just simply anxiety.  I am so badly craving good sleep.

However, I think I have turned a corner.  I've been able to sit up at the computer now for about 30 minutes and I'm still okay.  I haven't had to take a pain pill in about 20 hours.  My thoughts are okay.  I'm slightly annoyed that people don't talk about what recovery is like.  Maybe my body is just weird and it's harder on me than every other implantee out there.  But uh, I most definitely am not back to my routine within a "few days."

I'm so grateful for all the tender mercies that have helped me these last few days.  No matter how bad I feel, I have hope underneath it and I am often reminded of all of those in my army :)  And crazy as this sounds, though I have had doubts the last few days, most definitely I would put my self through this again if needed.  Because there is a purpose to it.  And I am so determined to make that purpose work for me.  Even though it took 3 tries to get the implant in, this device IS going to work.

I'm out of steam.  Later I'll post my version of the surgery day.  Back to bed for me.  Love to all.  And I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas.

p.s. I just woke up from a power nap.  Slept about 45 minutes.  My dream wasn't scary, it was just intense.  But I can identify something else now that is affecting me.  When I'm waking up, I feel exactly like I did after surgery, trying to wake up in the recovery room.  I feel this deep heaviness on my body and in my soul.  Like I'm so deep, I can't wake properly.  So I have this feeling for a good couple of hours after I wake up from a nap or from sleep in the morning.  Which I think is getting better because I used to feel it all the time.  So I'm adding a new feeling to the list of trying to recover from anesthesia-- heavy!